The 81st Entry
RAF Halton Aircraft Apprentices
Sept 1955 - July 1958

KEEPING ONES-SELF AMUSED AFTER 65 Willie Keays

All those with broadband must be aware of Youtube. Here's three links to show how I've kept myself amused since retiring from work.

First, in company with Michael Caine and Bennie Hill, driving Westfields with my brother-in-law:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl13woSyjI0

Next, climbing in the Italian Alps, the Dolomites, using Via Ferrata. We're at 8000 feet and the drops are about 3000 feet. Hang on!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCmw11VP41A

Finally this year's little escapade. Coast-to-Coast along Hadrian's Wall in six days. It's speeded up as it's really very boring.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz_p9wXdwBg

ACTUAL TRANSCRIPTS FROM AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS

Sent in by Alan England

You may have seen some /all of these before but they are worth a second look.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We all have digital watches.

-----------------
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "TWA 2314. Have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

-----------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

"I'm f***ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control:

"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft:

"I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"

-----------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329:
"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

------------------
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: - "Wasn't I married to you once?"